Kristen Mozaffari

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of riding the light rail with a lot of fine people, who just happened to not be wearing any pants.

I was a participant in this game. Well, sort of.

I wore a suit and slip. Some called it cheating. I said it was a loophole. (They were probably right.)

A friend of mine asked me this morning what I learned, which gave me pause for thought. I hadn’t considered that it would be anything more than something fun to tell my kids about.

But it was actually a great learning experience.

1. Lack of shame transcends cultures, lifestyles, shapes, body types, and ages.

There was a wide variety of people there – different ethnicities; male and female; straight and (presumably) homosexual; old and young; rich and poor; mohawked and non-mohawked.

Awesomesauce Mohawk Guy

But the one thing they all had in common was a lack of bottoms. It was the unifying thread that held together this otherwise eclectic group.

2. There will always be people who feel they have a right to tell you how to live your life (but not that you have the right to live it). Speak up for yourself, and then move on.

One gentleman, to use the term loosely, was outraged by the sight.

“Why are you guys so f—ing disgusting?”

He failed to see the irony in expressing his belief that pantsless riders were a bad influence on the two-year old sitting across from him… through the incessant dropping of the “f” bomb.

After about ten times, I finally asked him to stop swearing, which only served to make Angry Man angrier. He looked down to see if I was in my underwear – I could tell he was confused by my slip. He continued to argue, but refused to look me in the eye.

Reenactment.

The Tie-Dyed Woman next to me would later ask “I wonder if he would have the same reaction if everyone was wearing bathing suits?”

We can only guess at the answer, but I know what I think it is.

I would like to publicly thank Angry Man for his service to our country which, along with it being a free country, he touted as a reason why he had the right to curse and swear at people.

I would also like to remind him that the freedom he helped fight for applies to everyone.

Thankfully, he exercised his freedom to get off a the next stop and gave everyone else the freedom to escape his verbal abuse. Hooray!

3. There are also a lot of really, really cool people out there…

…including the two people with the young child (Awesome Man and his mother), who insisted to Angry Man that seeing people in their underwear was not harmful to the child and that he probably wouldn’t remember it anyway.

Awesome Guy with Baby and the sister of the Tie-Dyed Woman sitting next to me (vital info).

After Angry Man left, Awesome Man said he was just telling his mother that he wished he’d known about the ride because he was wearing his Santa Claus boxers. So everyone yelled “Well take ‘em off!” Then he pulled down his pants and shook a “HO! HO! HO!” at everyone behind him.

Good times.

When another passenger entered shortly after, a look of surprise crossed his face. Then he stood there for a moment…

“Never has the urge to conform been so enticing,” he said. “Everyone else isn’t wearing pants, so why am I?”

(Read his quote in the ASU State Press article.)

Awesome Guy Who Wanted to Conform

And once he exited the train, he did!

I offered to hold his book while he depantsed, which I think freaked him out because he avoided me like the plague after that.

He was probably wise to ignore me.

And then there are these fine fellows, who also spontaneously depantsed and joined the group all the way to our meeting point, where they shared laughs and, presumably, beers.

Cool cats. But I'm pretty sure their plans involved nudity at some point, anyway.

5. There are a lot of creepers riding public transportation.

Let’s just say I’m thankful there’s no “No Pants Light Rail Ride AZ – After Dark”.

Actual photo.

6. I’m socially awkward. I need to get out more.

This is a little more personal, I guess.

I’ve spent much of my life as the quiet observer, but as a young child, I was very confident. (Just ask my mom about my “Batgirl Underoos” photos. I was quite the ham, I must say.)

I had this exact pair.

But you can’t grow up poor, weird, and an ugly duckling in North Scottsdale without being ostracized, so I’ve spent a lot of time watching people. It’s helped my writing quite a bit, I think. But as I’ve grown into adulthood, I’ve shied away from people even more.

It’s always uncomfortable for me to be in social situations. I haven’t mastered the art of chit chat, so I never know what to say. I laugh or joke at inappropriate moments, and I’m too shy to talk to most people – except on rare occasions, when I get obnoxiously talkative.

Me (without makeup).

But awkward as I’ve always felt, especially around people I don’t know, I’ve continually operated under the assumption that I blend into the background, invisible.

Yesterday, however, a kind soul approached me. He said I looked bored and invited me to join him and his friends (from AZ Burners). This was an exceedingly kind gesture, and I’m very grateful for it and the lovely conversation with them that followed. But it also made me realize that people do see me. And you can’t just blend into the wallpaper.

This point is especially true when you’re not wearing pants.

7. I either need to learn to be more comfortable with myself or work to get myself up to my level of comfort.

This might be the most important lesson I’ll take away from this. The thing is, I didn’t wear the slip because I suddenly chickened out at the last minute. I planned to wear it.

I spent some time staring at myself in the mirror today – yes, “pantsless”. And I decided… I’m okay.

No, I’m not perfect. But I’m also not bad, I guess. I think about all those wonderful happy people out there and how confident and fun they all are.

And I want that.

What I really want? (Wait for it…)

I know there’s a chance I won’t be able to get over my insecurities. I don’t like this idea, for a variety of reasons, but I have to acknowledge the possibility.

If that happens, I’ll just need to work harder to get myself to the level where I am comfortable. And that will have personal benefits as well. I’m going for both.

Regardless, I vow that 2013 will be the year. The Year of No Pants. (Well, not a whole year.)

So, starting today, I’m taking that picture of Mohawk Guy and sticking it on my fridge. His image will serve as a constant reminder that the 12 months until the next ride is going to go by just as fast as it did this last time around.

Maybe this goal will fizzle out. But I’m going to try. With any luck, my blog for January 2013 will be The Tao of Pantslessness.

Tao of Pantlessness

So, when all’s said and done, I guess I’ve learned you can gain a lot by losing your pants. And maybe next time, less will equal even more.

———-

Want to learn more about the No Pants Light Rail Ride AZ 2012? Want to see pics? Take a gander at their facebook page.

Want to find out about future urban pranks? Check out Improv AZ, if you’re in Arizona, of course, or Improv Everwhere to find out about projects worldwide.

So want to find out who’s behind most of these shenanigans locally? You can (mostly) blame them on this guy – Jeff Moriarty.

Writer, Tweeter, Blogger, Urban Prankster, and all-around Cool Guy

Don’t let the last name fool you – he’s not an evil genius.

Or is he…?